Fantasy UnSports is a bold new endeavor in fantasy sports, one where the actual sports mean very little.

We award points based on what athletes do everywhere EXCEPT on the field.  DUI?  50 points.  Failed drug test?  25 points.  Homicide?  500 points.  15 touchdowns in a season?  Zero, zip, nada.  I don’t care.

Let’s face it, the off-the-field stuff is bigger news these days than in-game performance is anyway.  Quick quiz, who knows which former NFL running back has fathered as many as 11 kids with as many as 10 different women?  I see everyone has their hand raised, including Mr. Henry.  Now, who remembers which running back had more runs of 10+ yards in the 2008-2009 season?

That’s what I thought.

Pittsburgh, PA.

“We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl.” said Obama “We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times.” Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. “The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well.” Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Godel and the NFL.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, “In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan.”

“My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league.” Obama assures. That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about loosing any Super Bowl Trophies. “The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title.” Obama promises. “We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league.”

The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again. The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler’s two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.

All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans, Barack Hussain Obama has another plan in place. Obama has meet with MLB and commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to their loosing 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream. Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael Phelps in the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for “Hope and Change.”

How could this happen? He’s such a team player, and seemingly, the perfect Cowboy?

Since that time I’ve come to a quick conclusion. Nobody really cares about the Pac-10. Oh, except the Pac-10…sorry. Every year USC gets the rap that they shouldn’t be ranked as high as they are because the Pac-10 is weaker than rainwater. I concur. It’s like Chuck Liddell taking all comers in a kindergarten classroom.

So, what’s the hottest conference in the land? The Big-12 of course! And like Asia, there is much turmoil, strife and ancient grudges. What better match could there be?

Baylor: Bangladesh

A football wasteland. Poor and no hope for the future…always waiting for the next disaster.

Colorado: Nepal

Ahhh, Nepal. Fifty square miles surrounded by reality. Full of tree-huggers and granolas types. Everyone likes to talk about Nepal, but the place really doesn’t matter when it comes down to it.

Iowa State: Burma

Burma, home of the Cyclones…or Tsunamis…or whatever. Another wasteland.

Kansas: North Korea

For years they were considered the bottom end of the continent. Severely disliked by nearly everyone because of their attitude, yet no one really respects them when it comes right down to it. Their leader is feared; he just looks like he could eat your baby and that freaks people out and earns him undue respect.

Kansas State: Cambodia

A once great nation that is mentioned every now and then in hushed tones. Today everyone just shakes their head and stares at the ground seeming to say “oh the humanity!”

Missouri – South Korea

A rising power, Korea is known for their high output and lack of defensive ability. While showing much promise, there is still something fundamentally unsound South Korea.

Nebraska: Japan

Formerly a militaristic nation bent on the submission and destruction of surrounding lands, Japan was convinced of their total superiority. Today, still a homogenized society, Japan has grown enamored with the ways of the west and change is inevitable. Now suffering from a decade long recession, Japan has taken a back seat to China and India in the eyes of the world. Seems as though they have been adrift since their much revered leader moved on.

Oklahoma: China

Despised by most of Asia and the world, they have a long history of sadistic and despotic rulers. China has risen to great power at several times throughout history. Now, rising again, they seemingly fail and look completely inept at the most unexpected times. Given to cheating, trickery and outright theft. Massive infrastructure projects are underway in preparation for world domination. Everyone is scared of what they might do next, but that day never seems to come.

Oklahoma State: Taiwan

The small next-door neighbor of the China, Taiwan could be crushed by the Red Chinese in mere minutes.

Texas: India

A vast, hot, and overcrowded land. Their multitudes revere cows and are difficult to take seriously because of their funny accents when they speak English. Everyone will have to speak to one of their citizens eventually because their advances in technology have seemingly made them universal. Indians have a severe dislike for Pakistanis. The feeling is mutual.
Texas A&M: Pakistan

The rest of the world doesn’t really know where this place is, but they assume it can’t be good if it ends in “stan.” At constant odds with India, yet weak and insubstantial. Their leaders have difficulty not being assassinated because of stupid mistakes and misplaced allegiances.

Texas Tech: Thailand

A hot, murky and strange land that does things in a slightly different manner. Bring protection if you’re staying overnight.

Adam “Pacman” Jones has displayed a “disturbing pattern of behavior“? Who knew HE was trouble?

It appears that even the vehicle Jerry Jones was using to corral the incorrigible Pacman, a personal bodyguard/posse management team, failed to keep Pacman out of trouble. Who the hell fights with their own bodyguard?

So with that being said, Vanderbilt’s run to 4-0 is great for them. I’m happy for them, seriously. But it ends today. Let’s take a look at their record thus far:

08/28/08 at Miami (Oh) – W, 34-13
09/04/08 South Carolina – W, 24-17
09/13/08 Rice – W, 38-21
09/20/08 at Mississippi – W, 23-17

Am I missing something here? To hear some tell it, Vanderbilt is a football juggernaut. Now hear something you’re not being told…LAST in DEFENSE in the SEC (despite playing TERRIBLE oponents) and LAST in OFFENSE in the SEC. Auburn has allowed one running touchdown…all YEAR.

Make way…the chickens are coming home to roost.

I recently posted the article “College Football: SEC Teams as Middle Eastern Countries.” I didn’t write it, but considered it truly a great analogy, as did several others who responded to it.

About two weeks later, I received an email from a reader, Rahul Nemani: “I thought the article you wrote about the SEC was hilarious. I was wondering if you could write a similar article on the Big Ten with a possible comparison to Europe becase of the conference’s age.”

I’m not as informed about the Big 10 as I am about the SEC. With what little I already knew, a little bit of research, and Rahul’s idea and sage consulting (he’s a student at Michigan); I present to you: “Big 10 Teams as European Countries.”

Europe has a rich, storied past…which is where it remains…in the past. They think they’re still the most important region in the world, but everyone knows that the Middle East has a wealth of riches and is now calling the shots for the foreseeable future. Europe added to its member nations, but refused to change it’s name even though it makes no sense to call it that anymore. (Maybe Europe needs to work on its math skills?)

Russia, the country everyone loves to hate, is still not a member of the European Union and wants to be independent. Frankly they’re a threat to no one at the moment and are lead by an arrogant asshole who is only a step away from being whacked by the do-anything-to-win Russian Mafia.

ILLINOIS - Greece
Once a powerhouse, now little more than an insignificant clan of people who talk funny and complain a lot.

INDIANA - Ireland
A very proud people who tend to overlook certain types bad behavior. Using the f-word repeatedly is acceptable.

IOWA - Ukraine
Detached from the rest of Europe and really should be part of Asia. Covered with corn fields. Appeared to be emerging as a regional power, but returned to mediocrity very quickly.

MICHIGAN - Germany
A rich history, tons of talent, but a tendency to employ leaders who are power-crazed, loud-mouthed lunatics and always seem to louse things up. Germany’s citizens are always ready to tell you they’re superior. When asked about recent history, they tend to get quiet quickly.

MICHIGAN STATE – Austria
Germany’s slow, loud, self-conscious and far less accomplished neighbor.

MINNESOTA - Sweden
Liberal whack jobs, covered in snow.

NORTHWESTERN - Netherlands
Citizens of other European countries (and the world) come here to get stoned and drunk, ravage the natives, then leave.

OHIO STATE – France
Pound for pound the most insufferable, arrogant pricks on the planet. Weak leaders who appear to be accomplices in their humiliating defeats. Holding their own against Germany at the moment, but everyone knows it’s only a matter of time before the tanks are rolling again.

PENN STATE – United Kingdom
Used to run the world. Run by a beloved, geriatric figurehead who simply refuses to retire.

PURDUE - Norway
The secret to Norway’s marginal success is that it’s so boring, no one pays it any attention.

WISCONSIN - Poland
Filled with hulking pasty-white drunks with “ski” at the end of their last name. Looks tough, but easily rolled. Lots of jokes are made at their expense.

Also posted on bleacherreport.com

“I can help them win,” Pacman said of the Cowboys. “That ain’t no problem. I’m good for two wins a year by myself.”

I’m with ya, Pac. At least two. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of Nashville. I hear the strippers take a punch much better in Dallas anyway…and the police…they’re soft all over Texas.